


Facing the Hard Truths...

by AllHallowsEve



Series: Wincest Colored Glasses [11]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Despair, Emotional pain, Episode: s01e11 Scarecrow, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Pain, Pre-Slash, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-19 01:03:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14863715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllHallowsEve/pseuds/AllHallowsEve
Summary: The boys have a fight because John stirs up trouble.  They go separate ways and emotional fallout ensues. In the meantime a Scarecrow tries to eat Dean, and Sam makes his first demon friend.Episode 11 as seen through Wincest colored glasses.





	Facing the Hard Truths...

**Author's Note:**

> This story is the first time in my series that things are brought up from a previous work. It can still be viewed as a stand alone story, but things that happen outside of canon in the previous story are discussed in this one. 
> 
> As always this work is unbeta'd so please let me know if there are any mistakes.
> 
> Buckle up, loads of Wincest angst and feels are in this one.

Sam couldn’t believe it, when he heard his father’s voice on the phone.  It had been years since they had spoken, but he would recognize that gravelly, liquor aged, tone anywhere.  He went from being relieved to pissed in just a matter of minutes though.  His father seemed genuinely sorry about what had happened to Jess, but the minute he told Sam they had to stop looking for him, to just stop and follow his orders, it flew all over Sam.

All the anger and frustration from all the years of having to blindly follow that man’s orders, having no choice as a child, it all flooded back in, enveloping him in fury. 

Dean jerked the phone away from him, and immediately Sam could tell when his brother went from concerned son, to obedient soldier.  His entire body posture and facial expression completely changed, as if standing to, waiting for the next instruction, which of course he followed to the letter.

Sam didn’t know what to do, on one hand, he was glad to have something to occupy their day, because he was living in a perpetual state of fear, after all the things he had said the day before, while being under the ghost doctor’s influence at the asylum.  He knew Dean had forgiven him, and didn’t seem to be holding the fact that he had actually tried to kill him, against him.

But Sam had said something else, something that made him feel like running away every time he remembered it.  He was unable to breathe right, anytime his mind formed around the memory of looking down at Dean, lying prone, while Sam had confessed, he loved him, loved him too much.

Dean hadn’t brought it up, in fact he hadn’t brought up anything Sam had said while in that fugue state.  He had accepted Sam’s apology, and gone right to sleep once they hit the motel.  But Sam had lain awake, unable to forget.  If Dean hadn’t been so good at what he did, Sam would have killed him.  He didn’t understand it.  How could he have wanted Dean dead?  How could he have confessed his love for him.  He was sick to his stomach about it all, and he just needed to get away.

They should be going after their dad.  They should be forcing him to let them help with the hunt for the demon he was convinced had killed both Mom and Jess.  That would keep them so busy that Dean wouldn’t have a chance to bring up anything that Sam had done or said. 

Sam was petrified of what to do if Dean ever did ask him about what he meant when he said he loved Dean too much.  He had no answer for that question that wouldn’t take Dean away from him forever. 

All these thoughts were swarming around in his head while he was behind the wheel of the Impala.  Dean had been doing research in the passenger seat.  Their dad had given them a list of names of people, all couples, who had disappeared every year right around this time traveling through one area of Indiana.

Dean began singing John’s praises, saying what a master at hunting he had to be, in order to find these disparate couple’s and put together their disappearances like he had.  Dean’s worshiping their dad the way he did made Sam’s, already thread thin control of his own emotions snap.  He pulled the Impala off to the side of the road and said “We’re not going to Indiana.”

He explained to Dean that they needed to go to California.  That their dad had called from a Sacramento area code and they could find him if they just turned around and headed in that direction.  Declaring they had a limited time to get there before he might leave again.

Dean was adamant that John had given them an order.  That Dad didn’t want their help, he wanted them to work this job.

Sam told Dean that he understood that they would be saving lives, but he was only asking for a week, a week to get to their Dad and take out the demon so he could get revenge.  Dean tried to let Sam know that he understood what Sam was feeling.

Sam shanked him right in the chest when he said “Do you? How old were you when mom died?  Four?”

Sam laughed in his face.  Acting like Dean’s pain over their mom was too old for him to understand what Sam was going through.  That Sam’s recent pain over Jess was fresh, barely six months old, so there was no way Dean understood how he felt.

Dean couldn’t catch his breath for a moment.  He wanted to punch his brother in his smart mouth.

Instead he told him that their dad must know more than they did, that he was saying it wasn’t safe, and to stay away for a reason.

That only enraged Sam more, he didn’t understand the blind faith Dean had in him, and he told him so.

When Dean said his not questioning John, was being a “good son.” Sam lost it. He jumped out of the car and went to the trunk to retrieve his stuff.

He knew he wasn’t a good son, nor a good brother.  How could he be when he was desperately in love with the man he was now so angry at.  Dean would hate him if he really knew.  John would most likely put a bullet in his brain. 

He had to get away from Dean.  He had confessed his love for him, and even though Dean hadn’t said anything about it, was hopefully just sweeping it under the rug as nothing more than the ghost induced emotions that caused Sam to try to kill him.  But Sam couldn’t keep taking the risk of being with Dean.  It was getting harder and harder to keep a lid on himself and his freakish emotions.

All his anger at his father was so much easier to face, wanting revenge on this demon was something he could tackle.  He could neither face, nor tackle, his love for Dean.  He just needed to escape.  Needing to find his dad and kill this demon was a great excuse to do just that.

Dean climbed out of the car.  Coming around to the back he said, “You’re a selfish bastard. You know that?  You just do whatever you want, and don’t care what anybody thinks.”

He might as well have decked Sam right in the mouth.  It would have hurt so much less than having his brother believe that about him.  He wanted to get away from Dean so he wouldn’t hurt him.  So he wouldn’t ruin their being brothers.  If he stayed and it came out how he truly felt, it would destroy them.  It was the reason he had left for Stanford in the first place. 

But to have Dean truly believe he was doing this to be selfish.  That he didn’t care about him or his feelings.  It was such a cold ruthless stab, right to his chest, right between his ribs, down into his heart.

Sam said he was going to California and took off walking away from Dean on foot. His gear on his shoulders weighed nothing compared to the guilt that crashed down on him from the look on Dean’s face as he watched Sam walk away.  Dean’s eyes were hard, his expression was one of anger, confusion, and abandonment, the same look that had been there four years earlier.

This time though, instead of pleading for Sam to stay, he got in his beloved Baby and drove off into the night.

Sam’s heart sank.  He knew that this is what he had told Dean he wanted, but now as he watched the retreating taillights, his entire being felt empty and forlorn.

Dean drove all night to get to Burkitsville, Indiana.  It was the one place all three missing couples had gone through. 

He was numb.  He couldn’t believe that Sam was gone.  As the miles flew by between him and the love of his life, it felt like parts of his soul were flying away, leaving just an empty shell behind.  The shell that had been the only way he had survived the last four years.  By just doing the job. 

One thing was for sure, his stupid hope that maybe somehow Sam felt the same way Dean did about him, was gone.  It was washed away by the rain that had poured down on Baby as he entered this quaint town.  If Sam had loved him even half as desperately as Dean loved Sam, he couldn’t have walked away, not last night, not four years ago, not ever.

He had no clue what Sam’s mad ravings in the asylum had meant, but it sure as hell wasn’t what he had wanted, with every fiber of his being, for it to mean.

He did what he had done for four years, he put every part of his mind into finding out what had happened on this case.  It was the only way he knew to survive.  He swallowed down all the pain, all the devastation, he felt at watching Sam shrink behind him in Baby’s rear view mirror, and closed that door, locking it with a padlock.

He pulled the car to a stop in the main area of the tiny town and went to work.

As he asked around, he found to his dismay, that his rhythm was off.  He had worked dozens of cases by himself over the last few years, and had this down to a science.  Leave it to his, pain in the ass, little brother to completely throw him off his solo game.  They had only been on the road together as partners for six months, but in that time, they had developed a pattern.  They had a way of playing off one another, creating a perfect rhythm and symbiosis which had never existed when he had worked with his dad.  He hadn’t known it could be like that.  It was incredible and thrilling and Dean had never regretted something more than he did right now. 

He had thought focusing on work would alleviate the loss that had taken up residence in every bone in his body.  But, in fact, it was just making it worse.  Every interview, from his initial interaction with the owner of the local diner, to his attempt to convince the couple, that might be the next target of whatever was killing people, to leave because they were in danger, had failed.  He said to himself, _You know, my brother could give you his puppy dog look, and you’d just buy right into it._   His heart longed for that look, to see how skillfully Sam manipulated people into doing what he wanted.  Dean realized it was true, he had relied so heavily on what Sam brought to the table, that he had forgotten how to manage on his own.

He had been so spectacularly unsuccessful in fact, it had gotten him escorted summarily out of town by the local Sherriff.  And it was all because his brother wasn’t there, by his side, where he belonged.

Dean had managed to find an area going out of town that set his EMF meter off like crazy.  He stopped and investigated where it pointed to a large orchard.  Where he also found the remains of one of the male missing persons, strung up between the trees, as the creepiest scarecrow he had ever seen.

His banishment from town made it hard for him to do anything until nightfall.  So while he waited, he had nothing to do but stew.  He fretted over Sam, maybe Sam had somehow picked up on Dean’s feelings for him and that helped drive him away.  Then he berated himself for being so stupid.  It wouldn’t have gone down the way it had, if that had been the case.

His mind went around in circles, over all the ways he had failed, yet again.  His father would be furious that he allowed Sam to leave.  That he allowed Sam to disobey him, once Sam ended up finding John in California.  Sam was smart enough, his finding his father was inevitable, now that he had the area narrowed down.  Dean had no doubts about that.  But he also had no doubts that it would be him, his dad would blame, for Sam showing up.

He thought back about when he had gone to get Sam after his dad’s disappearance.  Sam had created an entire life for himself.  He had a home, he had a woman he loved, who obviously loved him in return.  He was of course doing well in school, about to get a full ride to law school even, if Dean hadn’t come in and fucked it all up.  _And for what?_   He was alone again. 

He had given himself a taste of the best his life could ever hope to be, by bringing Sam on the road with him, and now it had been yanked away.  It would have been better if he had never gone to Sam in the first place.  At least he would have no idea what he was missing.

The more he thought about it, the more it felt like the right thing to do, the only thing to do, was to let Sam go.  He deserved to get back some semblance of his life he had built for himself.  Dean had called Sam a selfish bastard, but in truth, Dean had been the selfish one, for jerking his brother out of the life he wanted, to begin with. 

Once Sam found John, they would either fight the demon together, getting the revenge they crave, or John would send Sam away.  Either way, Sam would already be back in California.  He would be able to stay there and rebuild his life again.

Once night fell, Dean booked it back to Burkitsville, driving straight to the orchard, where his gut told him he would find that young couple from earlier, in some kind of trouble.  He wasn’t sure what was going on here, but he had learned to trust his instincts over the years.  He got there just as the insane rabid scarecrow was about to kill them both.  Dean got them out safely, but knew there was more worked to be done. But before he could focus all of his energy on the case, he had to resolve the situation that was eating at him about Sam.

He put together all the information he had about the case, looked at it, and realized that this was probably some kind of pagan deity he was up against.  He contacted a local professor and set up an interview to see if he had any answers.  While he was driving that direction, he called Sam.

It was so good to hear his voice.  Sam seemed interested in the case, and surprised by what Dean was facing.  Dean laid out all that he had learned and why he believed it was a pagan god, based on everything he had seen.  They talked it out, working their way through the facts together, the way they would have if Sam hadn’t left.

When Dean explained that he was on his way to talk to a local community college professor because, “You know, since I don’t have my trusty sidekick geek boy, to do all the research.”

It made Sam laugh, which hurt both their hearts.  Sam told Dean that if he was hinting that he needed his help, all he had to do was ask.  Dean swallowed hard, trying to get his nerve up.  It took him a moment, chuckling nervously.  He tried to get it out, an apology for how things had gone down, but before he could stop sputtering and stuttering on what he was trying to say, Sam did it for him.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, too.” Sam whispered into the phone sincerely.

In some ways it made what Dean needed to say easier, but also harder.  He took one last deep breath and launched into, “Sam, you were right. You’ve got to do your own thing. You got to live your own life. You’ve always known what you want, and you go after it. You stand up to Dad.”

A harsh quiet laugh escaped him before he continued, “I mean, you always have.  Hell, I wish I…”  He took a few breaths, not being able to finish that thought.

“Anyway, I admire that about you. I’m proud of you, Sammy.”

Sam was astonished, his emotions were in utter chaos.  He said the only thing he could, “I don’t even know what to say.”

Dean finished it for him, asking him to say he would take care of himself, asking him to call him once he found their dad.

Sam agreed to both requests.  Dean laughed bitterly in between, not knowing what he truly had expected, only knowing his heart wished for anything other than his brother saying goodbye.

Dean felt like he had just cut his own heart out and banished it into the ether.  He felt an emptiness that seemed somehow more final than when he watched Sam walk off in his rear view mirror.  Much more final, than when Sam had boarded a bus to Stanford.  He felt he might never see his brother again.

Sam wanted to cry.  He was the one that had thrown a fit and left.  He had felt he was doing the right thing.  But as he closed his phone and stared at it, he had never felt so scared and uncertain in all his life. He took a deep breath and swallowed around the boulder in his throat.

Tears threatened to fall, as he turned to the Meg, the young woman who had been keeping him company, in the bus station, while they waited for the next bus to Sacramento.  She asked him who it was, and he informed her it was the brother they had been talking about.  She asked what he had to say, and all Sam could get out before his throat completely closed off was, “Goodbye.”

Dean threw himself into the case.  He still had to take care of this pagan whatever it was, that was killing people before it had a chance to strike again.  He found out what he could from the local professor and never saw the betrayal coming, before the barrel of the Sherriff’s gun knocked him out cold.

When the bus, Sam and Meg had been waiting to board, finally arrived at the station, Sam couldn’t get on it.  He had been trying for the last three hours to call Dean back.  But there was no answer. 

Sam knew there was something wrong.  He felt it in his gut.  Every cell in his body was screaming at him that he had to get back to his brother. 

Sam couldn’t explain to Meg why he had to go back to Dean.  She asked him point blank, “You’re running back to your brother? The guy you ran away from? Why?”

Sam stared at her, wanting to scream at the top of his lungs, _Because I love him, with all that I am, and he’s in danger!  He needs me and I need him!_

All he managed to whisper, through his throat that was desperately trying to close off completely again, “He’s my family.”

He walked away from her, and out the opposite door, from the one that would get him to California.

All Sam could think as he made his way as fast as he could back to Dean was, _He needs me!_ on a continuous loop in his head.  How could he have been so stupid?

Dean had trusted Sam, trusted him with his life, on every hunt for the last six months, and what did Sam do? He ran away and left Dean without anyone to watch his back.  He was so angry at himself, so scared he wouldn’t get back to Dean in time. 

Yes he was madly in love with his brother, and yes it was fucked all to hell that that was the fact of the matter.  But he would rather ache in hellish misery for the rest of his life, knowing that Dean would never want him the same way, than to know he ran away and cost Dean his life. 

As long as Dean was safe, it didn’t matter how hard it was to love him and not get to be with him in the way he wanted.  Sam would take that pain and be thankful, as long as Dean survived and could live to hunt again by his side. 

He stole a car, and what should have taken just a few hours seemed to take days. It was the longest, most frustrating drive Sam had ever taken.   But he finally found his way to the orchard Dean had described.  He could hear talking in the distance and moved quietly towards it. 

When he saw a woman struggling at the base of one of the trees, he knew she had been talking with someone else.  He called out, “Dean?” a second before his eyes landed on his brother tied to another tree. He was alive, Sam couldn’t believe it but he had actually made it before it was too late.  The adrenaline he had been surviving on seemed to leave his body all at once and he froze in place, he was so light headed. 

But then Dean’s eyes met his and it was as if time itself froze momentarily.

Dean’s heart stopped, he thought maybe he was hallucinating, but no, it was his brother, there to save him.  He couldn’t believe it.  He told Sam, “I take back everything I said, I’m so happy to see you!”

Sam rushed over and began to try to break Dean’s bindings.

When Dean asked him how he had gotten there, Sam confessed to stealing a car.  In the middle of trying to save Dean’s life, what should have been his primary focus, was suddenly taken on a side trip, as Dean laughed happily and said, “That’s my boy.”

Sam was ashamed, his body betrayed him, moving much of his blood supply to below his belt, when he should be focusing on trying to cut Dean loose.  But he couldn’t help it.  It took him by surprise, that phrase affecting him the way it did. 

He managed to loosen Dean’s bindings, but then Dean warned him to keep an eye on the scarecrow, and Sam’s focus shifted back to the threat at hand.  He looked around, asking in fear, “What scarecrow?”

Dean got free and stood up next to Sam to look at the perch that normally held the pagan god’s vessel, but it was indeed now empty.

The brothers freed the other captive, Emily, and all three ran to try to escape.  But they only managed to make it a short distance before realizing they were surrounded by the armed townspeople. 

They heard a breathy growl, but instead of the scarecrow attacking any of the offered victims, it instead took Emily’s aunt and uncle.  The townsfolk scattered and Dean, Sam and Emily ran out of the orchard to safety. 

The trio went back to the orchard in the morning, finding ‘the first tree’ as Emily had described it, which was the source of the pagan god’s power.  Sam soaked it, especially the sacred markings carved into it, with gasoline, before Emily vengefully set it on fire.

Sam went over to stand next to Dean.  He watched as what almost killed Dean burned brightly.  He could have lost Dean for good.  He swore then and there, that no matter what he had to do, no matter the cost to himself or his heart, he would be there by Dean’s side, to keep him safe.  The way Dean had never failed to keep Sam safe. He glanced at Dean’s beautiful face, as his brother turned and stared at him, silently, in return.  Fiery flames reflected in Dean’s dark eyes, burning things low in Sam’s body.

The brothers took Emily to a bus station and stayed with her until her departure to make sure she got away safely.  As they were walking back to the Impala, reluctance filled Dean’s heart, as he tried for nonchalance with, “So can I drop you somewhere?

Sam gave a breathy laugh as he replied, “No, I think you’re stuck with me.”

Shocked elation ran down Dean’s spine, as his eyebrows rose in surprise. “What made you change your mind?”

Sam couldn’t tell him any part of the truth.  So he explained that he still did want to find their dad, that hadn’t changed, but Jess and their Mom were both gone.  Their dad was who knows where, and they were it.  He finished by saying as much as he dared of the truth with, “You and me, if we’re gonna see this through, were gonna do it together.”

Sam was watching Dean’s face, and Dean was staring back in disbelief.  He couldn’t let Sam see what his statements were doing to him.  He couldn’t let his little brother know that he felt he had been brought back to life by Sam’s return.  Sam could never know, what thinking he might never see him again had done to him.  He had been almost ready to let the tree monster take him.

Instead, he pushed all that down, hiding the absolute truth of what he was about to say behind a mocking deflection, “Hold me Sam, that was beautiful.”

Sam wished the words were real, but couldn’t be bothered to be upset with his pain in the ass brother.  He was so thrilled he was alive and that they were together again.  He watched happily, as Dean climbed into the Impala and started her up.

**Author's Note:**

> This one pulled me around like a rag doll. The emotions were so hurtful and deep and yet feel a little resolved (temporarily) by the end of it.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this one because it was a wild ride for me to write. I don't have a clue when any kind of true discussion or admissions will come between them about their feelings of desire, but it does feel like they are making baby steps in that direction.
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with me. The kudos and comments heal my heart from all the damage the Winchesters do to it.
> 
> Off to work on the next...


End file.
